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I’ve been thinking about those moments a lot recently. i think because i feel quite harried and scattered, a little lost and firmly trapped behind the wall of existential angst that separates me from most people i might interact with in a day. when i feel those moments i feel how quickly they slip away and most of all how rarely i’ve felt them, how unbalanced a lot of my life is sometimes.

i find i experience those moments most from a strong sense of the safety, that comfort of a strong sense of place, of being ‘home’. Or from the easy comradery of good friends and a sense of complete ease and trust. from people showing me new things or taking pleasure with me in learning something new.

i had a realization recently, thinking about that sense of equilibrium and those moments shed a strange light on the things i have been thinking of as ‘what i want’ in recent years. my desire for a more permanent home, for the vision i have dubbed ‘lady-house’, and for partnerships to share the depth i have known of intimacy and passion, to ground me in thinking of others as a part of me, not just around me.

in moments of personal frustration that those thing might be unattainable i think about picking up and going somewhere else again; hoping in that new life i will feel less dragged down by the repetition of my day to day life, as though it is this place that keeps me from having them. in calmer moments i remember that these things come from inside me in the end, i will only take them with me if I go somewhere else. they are about how i feel about my home, my life and the people in it and i can feel that way anywhere and have the most chance to feel it here where my roots go so deep, but not if i continue to be afraid to take the personal risks to let myself strive to build that sense of place right here and now.

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